Health

How to talk to someone struggling with negative body image…

~ jenthornfit ~ Leave a comment

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This is a question I get almost weekly from my clients and coaches so I thought I would address it here.  As someone who has struggled with disordered eating and negative body image, I can only tell you what has helped me.  Sorry for my French but I went through hell and back through my addiction to disordered eating and body image, and for A LONG TIME!  Sometimes I wish it didn’t happen to me, but then I realize that if I can help one person or inspire one person to make it out alive, then it was worth it.

Disclaimer: This blog post outlines how I would recommend addressing your concerns with another adult (let’s say someone over 25 or older), this is not how I would recommend addressing these concerns with a young girl or adolescent.  I will also state that I am not a doctor or licensed in any way to treat disordered eating and disordered body image which are legitimate diseases and addictions.  I am sharing with you some sincere ways of trying to change the conversation with a friend, co-worker or loved one who may be struggling with disordered eating/body image. If you feel like someone’s health is in immediate danger, that their behavior is beyond that of negative self-talk and you are concerned for their life and livelihood, please seek professional help.  At the end of this blog post I have also listed some professional resources. 

It’s a slippery slope working with someone who only sees their body for what it isn’t or what it can’t do. Essentially you are working to undo what is likely years of negative self-talk and someone who either was told or led by example (a mother or other strong female role model) or influence (an industry, such as those where aesthetic value is placed on your size and look such as modeling, dancing, gymnastics, figure skating, etc.) that your value comes from what your body looks like; what size you are, and how much you weigh.

First off, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Your value comes from the fact that you are a living, breathing human, created in God’s image.  If God didn’t see you as valuable, he wouldn’t have sent his only son to die a brutal criminal’s death to save you:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.”   – Jeremiah 1:5

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” – Luke 12:7

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14

If you have a friend who maybe struggles with body image and negative self-talk, here are a few tips that have helped me in my own journey to fight back against these lies of negativity:

Tip No. 1: The power of positivity and encouragement.
In my personal experience, the only thing that can undo years’ worth of loathsome self-talk is to be surrounded by people who view fitness as a way of honoring their body and eating as a way of nourishing their body.  You are not going to change if you don’t change your environment and what influences you.  So, if you have a friend or family member who struggles with negative self-talk, change the conversation to one that’s positive and filled with encouragement!

Tip No. 2: Give them time.
Changing someone’s way of thinking and the way in which they perceive themselves can take a long time…months, maybe even years, and even then, that negative talk can still sneak up (as it often tries to do with me).  If we surround ourselves with people who are only speaking positively about their bodies and what they are capable of, it will start to rub off on us and others.   This is where the magic happens in the monthly virtual bootcamps and team of wellness coaches I lead comes into play:  as coaches, we lead these conversations and therefore can control where it goes and reign it in if it gets off track.  If it takes a turn towards negative town, we re-route it back to the positive.  We use words like NOURISH, FLOURISH, HONOR, STRENGTH, POWER, and focus on how we FEEL, not just how we LOOK.  And we celebrate “non-scale victories” – such as “I did my first full-plank push-up today”, or “I did my first set of 10 burpees ever today”, or “I was able to race around the playground today with my kids and roll around with them in the grass without needing a break.”

Tip No. 3:  Continue to encourage – no matter what! 
No matter what/if you are getting any response or getting anything in return…You just continue to show up, support and stay positive.  And each time your friend’s words or self-talk take a turn towards negative town, you steer them back on track.  Example, friend: “I feel so fat today I can’t even do this.”  You: “Well I am doing this, and I can’t do it without you so get down here and do one more push-up with me.”  Help them feel needed, help them feel valued, help them feel important.  It will remind them that they are all those things, despite the size of their pants or number on the scale.

Oswald Chambers says… “A river reaches places which its source never knows. And Jesus said that, if we have received His fullness, “rivers of living water” will flow out of us, reaching in blessing even “to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8) regardless of how small the visible effects of our lives may appear to be. We have nothing to do with the outflow— “This is the work of God, that you believe…” (John 6:29). God rarely allows a person to see how great a blessing he is to others.”

Be a river.  Don’t worry what you get out of it in return or if you ever see the fruits of your labor, you just keep flowing positivity and encouragement downstream!

Tip No. 4:  An unhealthy relationship with food is most likely present.
Many people who struggle with body image and negative self-talk usually have an unhealthy relationship with food.  They’ve dabbled in extreme, restriction diets, maybe they’ve struggled with binge eating, but most likely they have a love/hate relationship with food.  So, again, you have an opportunity to change the conversation, you have an opportunity to educate them on all the things food CAN do for them, not “TO” them; as they likely just see food as something that makes them “fat”, not as something that “fuels” them.  Focus on food as fuel, focus on food as medicine, focus on food as nourishing their body and something that enables them to do all the things they want to do.

To review, eating disorders and negative body image are not something that should be taken lightly.  In my personal experience, it took the grace of God, a little tough love, a whole lot of support and encouragement, and being around other positive people to help me start to change the conversation in my head, and my heart, from self-hatred to self-care.  Notice I did not say self-love.  For me, personally, the word “care” just had/has more powerful meaning.  When you “care” about something, you are saying you are committing to it for the long term…. I am going to “care” for you insinuates “I am going to be here for the long haul.”  Care is defined as “the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.”  Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep connection.”  There are days where my “love” for my body is less intense than other days, but caring for my body requires daily commitment, choices, and actions.  And I think that’s the difference and why that word is so powerful, love is a feeling, and feelings can easily be swayed by many internal or external factors.  Care requires action.  And sometimes the best thing we can do for those struggling with eating disorders and negative body image, is to provide them with small, little action steps they can do daily to take care of their body.  With support and encouragement from friends and family, it is possible to change the conversation and turn what one feels about oneself from hate to love and turn neglect into positive action.

If you are looking for additional resources on this topic, I would recommend the following:

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-centers

http://www.center4ed.org/resources.asp

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

If you have additional questions about eating disorders or negative body image and my personal experience, please comment below or email me at jenthornfit@gmail.com.

And if you want to join our team of amazing wellness coaches who support, care, encourage and uplift others, we are currently hiring and would love to welcome you to our positive Team Refine community!  Inquiries can be sent to: jenthornfit@gmail.com

Josi’s Transformation Story…

~ jenthornfit ~ 2 Comments

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If I had to pick one word to describe my friend Josi, it would be PASSIONATE. Josi lives her life fearlessly and with a fervor I don’t know I’ve ever seen before; she lives hard, loves hard, plays hard – but does so with intention, not recklessly. I first met Josi as a student in one of my Barre classes at Pursue Movement Studio. My first thought was “this girl knows how to work” and second “she knows how to move.” Because despite what some may say or think, there is a rhythm, a flow if you will, that exists in a (good) barre class – similar to the “flow” one would find in a mindful yoga practice or even a dance. This was actually one of the main reasons I was drawn to the barre practice; as someone who spent their life dancing, I appreciated the intelligent sequencing, the targeting of specific muscle groups – while at the same time the focus on maintaining posture and alignment within the movement. And Josi, well, this girl got me from day one!

You want to know how to become a fitness instructors “teacher’s pet”? Take their corrections and apply, then come back the next week for more. You want to get better at your practice? Seek humility – do things that challenge you and that maybe don’t look so pretty, and keep coming back week after week – willing to fail and to fall. This is what makes a great student, and this is the type of person Josi is and the type of student she is.

Beyond our mutual appreciation for movement, we also share a love for music. You see barre can, quite frankly, really suck sometimes. Like when you are really “in it”, struggling, shaking, everything in your body trembling and crying out to “quit” – that’s where the importance of a really good, blood pumping, push-you-past-your-edge song comes into play! If you’ve ever taken a barre class, a good one, you know what I’m talking about! I always love seeing my students, and especially Josi, get lost in a song while doing the work; they close their eyes, they are breathing, they are usually dripping with sweat, and sometimes even mouthing the words to the song – if they know it! It’s as if something primal takes over and the human connection to music, to sound, carries you through! If you’ve experienced it, it’s pretty powerful! I know Josi both experienced and appreciated it because a few months into attending my classes she started sending me song links from Spotify with a text that said something like “Wouldn’t this be a great song for thigh set?”, or “What about this for the stretch?”.  Or we would chat after class and she would ask me “What’s that song you played for second seat set?”. And so our relationship blossomed out of an appreciation for hard work and a love of really good music!

After some time Josi decided she wanted to go a little bit deeper with her health and wellness, than just a few barre classes every week, so she signed up to participate in one of my monthly virtual Bootcamps. At the time she shared with me that she was struggling with the nutrition component of her health and wellness and needed some direction and accountability. I remember she said to me “just tell me what to do and I will do it.” And I knew she would. So we embarked on a 30 day journey together and now I want to share Josi’s experience with you in her own words:

“It has taken all of my life to understand that fitness and thoughtful living aren’t a punishment or a task to struggle through but a gift that I can give to myself. In fact, I have learned that there is no greater act of self love than treating your body as you would a temple. My journey to this place has been one of self-loathing and countless false starts; to me, my body was this enemy that trapped me inside of a shell that I hated and barely understood. We didn’t work together, this body and me. And then one day I walked through the doors of a movement studio and in to one of Jen’s barre classes. I was suffering from a broken heart and all the self-loathing that comes with it. So to say that I arrived broken and beaten at her feet is not an understatement. It was kind of my “Hail Mary” moment; I had completely given up on myself. Somehow I just kept going and thank God I did. A few classes in and I was totally hooked. Not just on the small, mindful movements, but on Jen and her conscientious way of shaping our bodies. Little by little she gained my trust and I found myself looking to her for confidence and advice. I knew that putting my physical self in her hands would be worthwhile. And it was. I joined one of her private virtual Bootcamps and watched my body change into something new, something that I looked at with love. The most surprising thing about it all was that she truly cares about my progress. Daily texts to check in on me and my progress kept me honest, while her words of advice kept me on track. Jen continues to go so far above and beyond for me and all of her students, I always know that I can go to her for anything, including my upcoming knee surgery and my fears that I will lose what I have gained. Her faith, knowledge and kindness have helped me bridge the gap between myself and this body that I now love so very much. As I continue to grow, Jen is with me every step of the way and for that I will be forever grateful.”

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Today Josi underwent knee surgery from an old injury. She went into surgery stronger than I have ever seen her before and with an unmatched confidence and focus! I know this surgery, while just a minor bump along her health and fitness journey, will bring her back stronger than ever! Join me in praying for this beautiful, fierce, strong woman tonight and that she makes a swift and full recovery! Love you girl!!!

 

My number one tip when returning to exercise post-pregnancy…

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My amazing mommies and littles at my Mommy & Me Barre class

We interrupt this programming to bring you the cutest pic of babies and beautiful mommies you have ever seen!!! Love these amazing women from my Mommy & Me Barre class who encourage, inspire, and support each other week in and week out!

Even if you can’t get to a Mommy & Me Barre class, there are a few things you should keep in mind when returning to exercise post-pregnancy:

Consult your physician: get the green light from your OB BEFORE returning to exercise, and please, please, please wait at least 6 weeks (minimum) before returning to an exercise “regime.” Ladies, I don’t care how great you feel, your body just underwent major trauma! There is no way you can SAFELY return to exercise days after birth because the muscles of your abdomen, including your transverse abdominus, your rectus abdominus, and pelvic floor – cannot SAFELY support your skeletal structure after birth! Because of the explosion of hormones your body released to allow the bones, joints, and ligaments to soften, widen, and expand (to birth a baby), everything is still soft and pliable… aka more susceptible to injury and slower healing post-delivery. Picture trying to balance a 10 pound dumbbell on a piece of overcooked spaghetti… you feel me???

So do yourselves a favor (and me, please) just take a moment to focus on what’s really important; focus on healing, nurturing, and nourishing your body; focus on connecting with and getting to know your baby – you learn them and they learn you; give yourself permission to love on, and let others love on you; spend your time cuddling, learning what your baby likes and dislikes, how they like to be soothed. And don’t even get me started on learning the art of breastfeeding (that’s another post entirely)!

Moms are superhuman… seriously, y’all amaze me! We can pretty much do ANYTHING! But what I want you to ask yourself is “Why?” and “Should I?”. To whom are your choices truly benefitting… You? Your ego? Your baby? Your family? Your health? Like honestly, let’s stop for a moment and remind ourselves that being “healthy” does not mean fitting into our pre-pregnancy lulu lemon yoga pants or having six pack abs (despite what most other “fitness” accounts say/show you)! Being a “healthy mom” starts from the inside; it starts from your heart, your soul and your mind!

And PS, these are the things I talk about with my clients I coach one-on-one in my monthly support groups for new moms! My next group starts Monday 10/31 and is open to new moms (don’t have to be a first time mom), with babies 3-12 months old. Email me at 📧 jenthornfit@gmail.com if you want to learn more!

LOVE > hate

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My whole world… Why I do what I do. Every decision, every action, every thought, holding them all captive to how it affects these 3 people right here. I find myself just wanting to protect them from the evil and darkness that exists in this world, so much hate, so much anger being spewed left and right and up and down. And it’s so LOUD!
This week I have challenged myself and I’m challenging you too; to be light, be love, show love, to show compassion to someone in need, encourage someone who is different than you, to embrace the fact that while we are all different we are all HUMAN; black, brown, red, white, Christian, Jew, republican, democrat…. we all bleed red.
Guess I’m just feeling so discouraged by the incessant montage of judgements, opinions and attacks on people’s character in the past few weeks. How about instead of posting, slandering, or criticizing someone’s performance or character this week we just lift up another human being??? How about we celebrate someone’s accomplishments, encourage, inspire, and uplift???? Can you imagine if for one day the focus was on spreading LOVE instead of spewing HATE??? I’m doing it, I’m making a choice this week to spread love. I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world where the only thing they hear or experience everyday is hate, darkness, and judgement. Anyone else ready for a change? We have to be it, we are responsible firsthand for what our littles see, hear, and experience. Who is going to make a commitment to spread LOVE this week???

Motherhood and identifying your true calling…

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This is what business meetings in my life look like today… me pumping, one of my amazing mentors breastfeeding… and the two of us dreaming and visioneering!

I remember before I had Ethan, my first, so many people told me “oh get ready, your life is about to change” or “life will never be the same” and some even said, “you are going to have to give up a lot.” Well, what I have found is that motherhood can either make you focus on all the things you “CAN’T” do anymore OR it provides an opportunity for you to focus on what’s truly important – where your true calling lies and what you should really be doing with your life. I will emphasize that this is a choice – if you feel a pull towards one area, but it takes away from your primary callings of wife and mother, it may be time to reevaluate those priorities (read Famous in Heaven and at Home for more on this)! But, if an opportunity comes your way that allows you to honor your primary callings as wife and mother – give it a second look!
It’s true that “your greatest calling in life may not be something you do but someone you raise” – Andy Stanley. I’m so thankful that motherhood taught me this valuable lesson, and I’m so thankful for women like this in my life. Women who not only allow me to make the choice to put my family first but who encourage it and who inspire me to dream big while honoring my priorities at the same time. Two people have been pivotal in teaching this to me and I am truly thankful for both of them, Danielle Haigh and Michelle Myers. Do you have women like this in your life??? If so, make sure you tell them thank you for inspiring and supporting you in this area.
Here’s to all the mamas out there who are leading, serving, and making a difference in the world right where they are! Motherhood doesn’t have to hold us back, in fact it can only make us better; better stewards of our life, our bodies, and our gifts and unique talents! Have a great weekend friends!!!