This is a question I get almost weekly from my clients and coaches so I thought I would address it here. As someone who has struggled with disordered eating and negative body image, I can only tell you what has helped me. Sorry for my French but I went through hell and back through my addiction to disordered eating and body image, and for A LONG TIME! Sometimes I wish it didn’t happen to me, but then I realize that if I can help one person or inspire one person to make it out alive, then it was worth it.
Disclaimer: This blog post outlines how I would recommend addressing your concerns with another adult (let’s say someone over 25 or older), this is not how I would recommend addressing these concerns with a young girl or adolescent. I will also state that I am not a doctor or licensed in any way to treat disordered eating and disordered body image which are legitimate diseases and addictions. I am sharing with you some sincere ways of trying to change the conversation with a friend, co-worker or loved one who may be struggling with disordered eating/body image. If you feel like someone’s health is in immediate danger, that their behavior is beyond that of negative self-talk and you are concerned for their life and livelihood, please seek professional help. At the end of this blog post I have also listed some professional resources.
It’s a slippery slope working with someone who only sees their body for what it isn’t or what it can’t do. Essentially you are working to undo what is likely years of negative self-talk and someone who either was told or led by example (a mother or other strong female role model) or influence (an industry, such as those where aesthetic value is placed on your size and look such as modeling, dancing, gymnastics, figure skating, etc.) that your value comes from what your body looks like; what size you are, and how much you weigh.
First off, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Your value comes from the fact that you are a living, breathing human, created in God’s image. If God didn’t see you as valuable, he wouldn’t have sent his only son to die a brutal criminal’s death to save you:
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” – Jeremiah 1:5
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13
“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” – Luke 12:7
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14
If you have a friend who maybe struggles with body image and negative self-talk, here are a few tips that have helped me in my own journey to fight back against these lies of negativity:
Tip No. 1: The power of positivity and encouragement.
In my personal experience, the only thing that can undo years’ worth of loathsome self-talk is to be surrounded by people who view fitness as a way of honoring their body and eating as a way of nourishing their body. You are not going to change if you don’t change your environment and what influences you. So, if you have a friend or family member who struggles with negative self-talk, change the conversation to one that’s positive and filled with encouragement!
Tip No. 2: Give them time.
Changing someone’s way of thinking and the way in which they perceive themselves can take a long time…months, maybe even years, and even then, that negative talk can still sneak up (as it often tries to do with me). If we surround ourselves with people who are only speaking positively about their bodies and what they are capable of, it will start to rub off on us and others. This is where the magic happens in the monthly virtual bootcamps and team of wellness coaches I lead comes into play: as coaches, we lead these conversations and therefore can control where it goes and reign it in if it gets off track. If it takes a turn towards negative town, we re-route it back to the positive. We use words like NOURISH, FLOURISH, HONOR, STRENGTH, POWER, and focus on how we FEEL, not just how we LOOK. And we celebrate “non-scale victories” – such as “I did my first full-plank push-up today”, or “I did my first set of 10 burpees ever today”, or “I was able to race around the playground today with my kids and roll around with them in the grass without needing a break.”
Tip No. 3: Continue to encourage – no matter what!
No matter what/if you are getting any response or getting anything in return…You just continue to show up, support and stay positive. And each time your friend’s words or self-talk take a turn towards negative town, you steer them back on track. Example, friend: “I feel so fat today I can’t even do this.” You: “Well I am doing this, and I can’t do it without you so get down here and do one more push-up with me.” Help them feel needed, help them feel valued, help them feel important. It will remind them that they are all those things, despite the size of their pants or number on the scale.
Oswald Chambers says… “A river reaches places which its source never knows. And Jesus said that, if we have received His fullness, “rivers of living water” will flow out of us, reaching in blessing even “to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8) regardless of how small the visible effects of our lives may appear to be. We have nothing to do with the outflow— “This is the work of God, that you believe…” (John 6:29). God rarely allows a person to see how great a blessing he is to others.”
Be a river. Don’t worry what you get out of it in return or if you ever see the fruits of your labor, you just keep flowing positivity and encouragement downstream!
Tip No. 4: An unhealthy relationship with food is most likely present.
Many people who struggle with body image and negative self-talk usually have an unhealthy relationship with food. They’ve dabbled in extreme, restriction diets, maybe they’ve struggled with binge eating, but most likely they have a love/hate relationship with food. So, again, you have an opportunity to change the conversation, you have an opportunity to educate them on all the things food CAN do for them, not “TO” them; as they likely just see food as something that makes them “fat”, not as something that “fuels” them. Focus on food as fuel, focus on food as medicine, focus on food as nourishing their body and something that enables them to do all the things they want to do.
To review, eating disorders and negative body image are not something that should be taken lightly. In my personal experience, it took the grace of God, a little tough love, a whole lot of support and encouragement, and being around other positive people to help me start to change the conversation in my head, and my heart, from self-hatred to self-care. Notice I did not say self-love. For me, personally, the word “care” just had/has more powerful meaning. When you “care” about something, you are saying you are committing to it for the long term…. I am going to “care” for you insinuates “I am going to be here for the long haul.” Care is defined as “the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.” Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep connection.” There are days where my “love” for my body is less intense than other days, but caring for my body requires daily commitment, choices, and actions. And I think that’s the difference and why that word is so powerful, love is a feeling, and feelings can easily be swayed by many internal or external factors. Care requires action. And sometimes the best thing we can do for those struggling with eating disorders and negative body image, is to provide them with small, little action steps they can do daily to take care of their body. With support and encouragement from friends and family, it is possible to change the conversation and turn what one feels about oneself from hate to love and turn neglect into positive action.
If you are looking for additional resources on this topic, I would recommend the following:
https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/
https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-centers
http://www.center4ed.org/resources.asp
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support
If you have additional questions about eating disorders or negative body image and my personal experience, please comment below or email me at jenthornfit@gmail.com.
And if you want to join our team of amazing wellness coaches who support, care, encourage and uplift others, we are currently hiring and would love to welcome you to our positive Team Refine community! Inquiries can be sent to: jenthornfit@gmail.com
Hi Guys! I am so excited to share with you April’s transformation story. I love this story because it is not the typical tale of someone trying to “lose weight” it is the story of an expecting mama looking to prepare her body for a healthy pregnancy and do the best for herself and the growing life inside of her! Just thinking about this girl gives me goosebumps as she is such an incredible woman with a beautiful heart for the Lord, for others, and for life!
Jen Thorn Fit 