How to talk to someone struggling with negative body image…

January 20, 2017August 17, 2022 ~ jenthornfit ~ Leave a comment

This is a question I get almost weekly from my clients and coaches so I thought I would address it here. As someone who has struggled with disordered eating and negative body image, I can only tell you what has helped me. Sorry for my French but I went through hell and back through my addiction to disordered eating and body image, and for A LONG TIME! Sometimes I wish it didn’t happen to me, but then I realize that if I can help one person or inspire one person to make it out alive, then it was worth it.

Disclaimer: This blog post outlines how I would recommend addressing your concerns with another adult (let’s say someone over 25 or older), this is not how I would recommend addressing these concerns with a young girl or adolescent. I will also state that I am not a doctor or licensed in any way to treat disordered eating and disordered body image which are legitimate diseases and addictions. I am sharing with you some sincere ways of trying to change the conversation with a friend, co-worker or loved one who may be struggling with disordered eating/body image. If you feel like someone’s health is in immediate danger, that their behavior is beyond that of negative self-talk and you are concerned for their life and livelihood, please seek professional help. At the end of this blog post I have also listed some professional resources.

It’s a slippery slope working with someone who only sees their body for what it isn’t or what it can’t do. Essentially you are working to undo what is likely years of negative self-talk and someone who either was told or led by example (a mother or other strong female role model) or influence (an industry, such as those where aesthetic value is placed on your size and look such as modeling, dancing, gymnastics, figure skating, etc.) that your value comes from what your body looks like; what size you are, and how much you weigh.

First off, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Your value comes from the fact that you are a living, breathing human, created in God’s image. If God didn’t see you as valuable, he wouldn’t have sent his only son to die a brutal criminal’s death to save you:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” – Jeremiah 1:5

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” – Psalm 139:13

“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” – Luke 12:7

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14

If you have a friend who maybe struggles with body image and negative self-talk, here are a few tips that have helped me in my own journey to fight back against these lies of negativity:

Tip No. 1: The power of positivity and encouragement.
In my personal experience, the only thing that can undo years’ worth of loathsome self-talk is to be surrounded by people who view fitness as a way of honoring their body and eating as a way of nourishing their body. You are not going to change if you don’t change your environment and what influences you. So, if you have a friend or family member who struggles with negative self-talk, change the conversation to one that’s positive and filled with encouragement!

Tip No. 2: Give them time.
Changing someone’s way of thinking and the way in which they perceive themselves can take a long time…months, maybe even years, and even then, that negative talk can still sneak up (as it often tries to do with me). If we surround ourselves with people who are only speaking positively about their bodies and what they are capable of, it will start to rub off on us and others. This is where the magic happens in the monthly virtual bootcamps and team of wellness coaches I lead comes into play: as coaches, we lead these conversations and therefore can control where it goes and reign it in if it gets off track. If it takes a turn towards negative town, we re-route it back to the positive. We use words like NOURISH, FLOURISH, HONOR, STRENGTH, POWER, and focus on how we FEEL, not just how we LOOK. And we celebrate “non-scale victories” – such as “I did my first full-plank push-up today”, or “I did my first set of 10 burpees ever today”, or “I was able to race around the playground today with my kids and roll around with them in the grass without needing a break.”

Tip No. 3: Continue to encourage – no matter what!
No matter what/if you are getting any response or getting anything in return…You just continue to show up, support and stay positive. And each time your friend’s words or self-talk take a turn towards negative town, you steer them back on track. Example, friend: “I feel so fat today I can’t even do this.” You: “Well I am doing this, and I can’t do it without you so get down here and do one more push-up with me.” Help them feel needed, help them feel valued, help them feel important. It will remind them that they are all those things, despite the size of their pants or number on the scale.

Oswald Chambers says… “A river reaches places which its source never knows. And Jesus said that, if we have received His fullness, “rivers of living water” will flow out of us, reaching in blessing even “to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8) regardless of how small the visible effects of our lives may appear to be. We have nothing to do with the outflow— “This is the work of God, that you believe…” (John 6:29). God rarely allows a person to see how great a blessing he is to others.”

Be a river. Don’t worry what you get out of it in return or if you ever see the fruits of your labor, you just keep flowing positivity and encouragement downstream!

Tip No. 4: An unhealthy relationship with food is most likely present.
Many people who struggle with body image and negative self-talk usually have an unhealthy relationship with food. They’ve dabbled in extreme, restriction diets, maybe they’ve struggled with binge eating, but most likely they have a love/hate relationship with food. So, again, you have an opportunity to change the conversation, you have an opportunity to educate them on all the things food CAN do for them, not “TO” them; as they likely just see food as something that makes them “fat”, not as something that “fuels” them. Focus on food as fuel, focus on food as medicine, focus on food as nourishing their body and something that enables them to do all the things they want to do.

To review, eating disorders and negative body image are not something that should be taken lightly. In my personal experience, it took the grace of God, a little tough love, a whole lot of support and encouragement, and being around other positive people to help me start to change the conversation in my head, and my heart, from self-hatred to self-care. Notice I did not say self-love. For me, personally, the word “care” just had/has more powerful meaning. When you “care” about something, you are saying you are committing to it for the long term…. I am going to “care” for you insinuates “I am going to be here for the long haul.” Care is defined as “the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.” Love is defined as “an intense feeling of deep connection.” There are days where my “love” for my body is less intense than other days, but caring for my body requires daily commitment, choices, and actions. And I think that’s the difference and why that word is so powerful, love is a feeling, and feelings can easily be swayed by many internal or external factors. Care requires action. And sometimes the best thing we can do for those struggling with eating disorders and negative body image, is to provide them with small, little action steps they can do daily to take care of their body. With support and encouragement from friends and family, it is possible to change the conversation and turn what one feels about oneself from hate to love and turn neglect into positive action.

If you are looking for additional resources on this topic, I would recommend the following:

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-centers

http://www.center4ed.org/resources.asp

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

If you have additional questions about eating disorders or negative body image and my personal experience, please comment below or email me at jenthornfit@gmail.com.

And if you want to join our team of amazing wellness coaches who support, care, encourage and uplift others, we are currently hiring and would love to welcome you to our positive Team Refine community! Inquiries can be sent to: jenthornfit@gmail.com

Josi’s Transformation Story…

November 30, 2016December 2, 2016 ~ jenthornfit ~ 2 Comments

If I had to pick one word to describe my friend Josi, it would be PASSIONATE. Josi lives her life fearlessly and with a fervor I don’t know I’ve ever seen before; she lives hard, loves hard, plays hard – but does so with intention, not recklessly. I first met Josi as a student in one of my Barre classes at Pursue Movement Studio. My first thought was “this girl knows how to work” and second “she knows how to move.” Because despite what some may say or think, there is a rhythm, a flow if you will, that exists in a (good) barre class – similar to the “flow” one would find in a mindful yoga practice or even a dance. This was actually one of the main reasons I was drawn to the barre practice; as someone who spent their life dancing, I appreciated the intelligent sequencing, the targeting of specific muscle groups – while at the same time the focus on maintaining posture and alignment within the movement. And Josi, well, this girl got me from day one!

You want to know how to become a fitness instructors “teacher’s pet”? Take their corrections and apply, then come back the next week for more. You want to get better at your practice? Seek humility – do things that challenge you and that maybe don’t look so pretty, and keep coming back week after week – willing to fail and to fall. This is what makes a great student, and this is the type of person Josi is and the type of student she is.

Beyond our mutual appreciation for movement, we also share a love for music. You see barre can, quite frankly, really suck sometimes. Like when you are really “in it”, struggling, shaking, everything in your body trembling and crying out to “quit” – that’s where the importance of a really good, blood pumping, push-you-past-your-edge song comes into play! If you’ve ever taken a barre class, a good one, you know what I’m talking about! I always love seeing my students, and especially Josi, get lost in a song while doing the work; they close their eyes, they are breathing, they are usually dripping with sweat, and sometimes even mouthing the words to the song – if they know it! It’s as if something primal takes over and the human connection to music, to sound, carries you through! If you’ve experienced it, it’s pretty powerful! I know Josi both experienced and appreciated it because a few months into attending my classes she started sending me song links from Spotify with a text that said something like “Wouldn’t this be a great song for thigh set?”, or “What about this for the stretch?”. Or we would chat after class and she would ask me “What’s that song you played for second seat set?”. And so our relationship blossomed out of an appreciation for hard work and a love of really good music!

After some time Josi decided she wanted to go a little bit deeper with her health and wellness, than just a few barre classes every week, so she signed up to participate in one of my monthly virtual Bootcamps. At the time she shared with me that she was struggling with the nutrition component of her health and wellness and needed some direction and accountability. I remember she said to me “just tell me what to do and I will do it.” And I knew she would. So we embarked on a 30 day journey together and now I want to share Josi’s experience with you in her own words:

“It has taken all of my life to understand that fitness and thoughtful living aren’t a punishment or a task to struggle through but a gift that I can give to myself. In fact, I have learned that there is no greater act of self love than treating your body as you would a temple. My journey to this place has been one of self-loathing and countless false starts; to me, my body was this enemy that trapped me inside of a shell that I hated and barely understood. We didn’t work together, this body and me. And then one day I walked through the doors of a movement studio and in to one of Jen’s barre classes. I was suffering from a broken heart and all the self-loathing that comes with it. So to say that I arrived broken and beaten at her feet is not an understatement. It was kind of my “Hail Mary” moment; I had completely given up on myself. Somehow I just kept going and thank God I did. A few classes in and I was totally hooked. Not just on the small, mindful movements, but on Jen and her conscientious way of shaping our bodies. Little by little she gained my trust and I found myself looking to her for confidence and advice. I knew that putting my physical self in her hands would be worthwhile. And it was. I joined one of her private virtual Bootcamps and watched my body change into something new, something that I looked at with love. The most surprising thing about it all was that she truly cares about my progress. Daily texts to check in on me and my progress kept me honest, while her words of advice kept me on track. Jen continues to go so far above and beyond for me and all of her students, I always know that I can go to her for anything, including my upcoming knee surgery and my fears that I will lose what I have gained. Her faith, knowledge and kindness have helped me bridge the gap between myself and this body that I now love so very much. As I continue to grow, Jen is with me every step of the way and for that I will be forever grateful.”

Today Josi underwent knee surgery from an old injury. She went into surgery stronger than I have ever seen her before and with an unmatched confidence and focus! I know this surgery, while just a minor bump along her health and fitness journey, will bring her back stronger than ever! Join me in praying for this beautiful, fierce, strong woman tonight and that she makes a swift and full recovery! Love you girl!!!

Self Care > Self Control

November 22, 2016 ~ jenthornfit ~ Leave a comment

3 women whom I greatly respect and admire and who are far wiser than I, coined this saying – and it is one I will be putting to practice A LOT this week.

As someone who struggled with eating disorders and body image growing up, the holidays – particularly those centered around food – were a complete nightmare for me. Rather than being able to enjoy time spent in fellowship and laughter with family and friends, I spent it a nervous wreck; going over in my mind all the ways I could get out of having to eat and lie my way out of enduring a 4 or 5 course meal. I also remember after recovering from my eating disorder, going in the complete opposite direction of restriction and engaging in absolute gluttony. To be honest I really struggled with this “all or nothing mentality” for a very long time. I only saw food as “good” or “bad” and honestly it wasn’t until I started training to be a wellness coach that I began to understand the concepts of food as fuel, food as medicine, and food as nourishment. Which is why this saying of “self care > self control” really resonated with me.

This holiday season I am excited about all the parties and dinners, appetizers and desserts, because I know that with this motto as my guide, I can joyously say yes to things that are going to fuel and honor my body, but not go overboard – as that wouldn’t. I don’t have to restrict myself because extreme dieting and self-control does not honor my body. Therefore I can have a grateful attitude towards food and be thankful for all the things it does for my body – not just focus on wether or not it’s “bad” or “good.” And I don’t have to spend my evenings lying to the ones I love most to avoid eating; I can sit at a party and actually enjoy the food, the people, the smiles, the laughter the making of memories!

So thankful for beautiful sisters in Christ and fellow teammates, Emily Copeland, Liz Patton, and Michelle Myers for challenging me in this! When our actions honor our bodies, it becomes about making the most out of our time in these vessels and maximizing the talents, skills, and gifts we’ve been given to serve others. Whereas choosing restriction and obsessive control can isolate us from others and carry us far away from our intended purpose and passions. It’s only by the grace of God that I found my way out of that dark rabbit hole! Wishing you a week of good food, good drink, good company and lots of memory making!!!

Haley’s Testimonial Story…. “I tried hard for ME!”

September 20, 2016September 20, 2016 ~ jenthornfit ~ Leave a comment

Haley with her beautiful family!

I am so excited to share Haley’s testimonial with you today! I was fortunate enough to work with Haley in one of my virtual bootcamps last summer. She is a student of mine at Pursue Movement Studio, a boutique barre, yoga, and fitness studio where I teach in Jackson Hole, WY. She is also a current participant in my Famous in Heaven and at Home faith-based Virtual Bootcamp. Famous in Heaven and at Home is a character study of the Proverbs 31 woman written by my mentor, Michelle Myers. If you have not read it, do yourself a favor, and go pick up a copy right now!!! Your life will be forever blessed and mind completely blown by this book!!!

Haley is what we would consider someone who has chosen to make health and fitness part of her lifestyle. I’m sure if you asked her about it she would be the first to tell you there is no one magic shake, quick fix, or anything fast and easy that yields lasting results. As you can see from my introduction, she is constantly working to make herself stronger, feel healthier, and is always willing to try new things! She would also tell you that with fitness, there is no final destination, there is only a very fulfilling, at times challenging, journey that makes you stronger; not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well! Here is Haley’s experience working with me as a coach, in her own words….

“Jen Thorn is the most amazing coach! She continues to inspire me each day with her strength in the studio, in the kitchen and in her daily devotion. I got to know Jen through her barre classes at Pursue Movement Studio, and she has completely changed by outlook on fitness and nutrition. I was brave enough to join one of her 60-day health and fitness challenges last summer and I have never looked back.

I have participated in workout challenges in the past and tried hard “for my team” or for the “prize”, but last summer was the first time I tried hard for me. And not just for the duration of the challenge, I felt like it was my first official life change! I’ve finally figured it out…daily workouts, plus nutrition is the only way to stay healthy!

I’ve definitely been one to indulge and even overindulged in the past, and during the challenge I quit drinking alcohol for 60 days! It was amazing! I gave myself a break maybe twice during social gatherings and it made me so much more thankful for that “sip” of indulgence vs. expecting it.

I’m down 10 pounds from day 1 but I’m feeling so good! I’m glad this is a 60 day challenge because then all the good habits become a way of life (hopefully)!

And by the way, I even rocked getting up at 5:45 a.m. in the morning and running with a neighbor 3 and 5 miles!!! Man, I’m sore but the “I think I can” approach is rebuilding my confidence.”

In addition to attending my barre classes at Pursue Movement Studio and several other classes including Kettlebell (one of her favorites), Haley has also used two of my absolute favorite Beachbody programs to stay fit and healthy. Last summer she committed to Chalene Johnson’s PiYo workout and this summer she has been using Autumn Calabrese’s 21 Day Fix Extreme! I haven’t figured out which one she likes better yet but Haley used to be a dancer so I think her body naturally gravitates towards the flow and breath-filled movements of PiYo. Now she is so strong, she can do anything – you should see the girl do pushups!!!

As you can see, Haley is still on her own journey but she has fallen in love with health and fitness so much that she decided to pay it forward and become a wellness coach on our Team. Team Refine is a group of helpers seeking to become better through testing and serve others in health. Our team was founded off of James 1:2-3:

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

We are mothers, daughters, sons, health professionals, health rookies, and just people who found something that worked for them and now want to pay it forward! I am honored that Haley let me be a small part of her story and so proud of all her hard work, dedication, and the type of woman and role model she is becoming for her husband, her children, her family and friends!

If you want help writing your own story, my next virtual bootcamp starts this coming Monday, September 26. Fitness + Nutrition + Accountability + Support is what worked for Haley…let’s see if it works for you! Just fill out the form below or email me at jenthornfit@gmail.com for additional information!

Go back